redaction anglais

Publié le 25 févr. 2010 il y a 11A par Anonyme - Fin › 27 févr. 2010 dans 11A
5

Sujet du devoir

Je dois faire une redaction de 150 mots mais je ne suis pas sur de l'othographe , de la grammaire et tout donc une aide serais la bienvenue merci

Où j'en suis dans mon devoir

I shall never forget the night of January 18th, 1990: I remember it as if it was yesterday: me, Baby Star, I was then exactly 2 years old 3 months and 4 days; this night, in the neighborhood of 23 hours, it was dark and it rained cats and dogs. I was in the lounge(show) with friends we discussed business(affairs), we smoked cigars of Italy and drank some drinks forbidden the minors(miners).
Suddenly, the front door opened and we perceived two big shadows which did not look like gentiles and advanced(moved) on us of a step hesitating as if they were tired; my heart beat very hardly, I perspired(transpired) suddenly, I shouted and my friends had suddenly disappeared; I was terrified at the idea of being alone and defenseless(only one and defenseless,only and defenseless) but I took refuge meadows of a cuddly bear cub.
At 11:35 pm both shadows caught me and. Really it was only the nightmare which I had make.




3 commentaires pour ce devoir


Anonyme
Posté le 25 févr. 2010
Bonjour,

déjà ton histoire m'a beaucoup fait rigoler!

tu dis que tu as 2 ans, 3mois, 4jours, et tu fumes et bois de l'alcool??? à mon avis il faut corriger les années!

yesterday: I, Baby Star (sujet donc I)
2years, 3months and 4days old (old à la fin)
this night, around 11pm

tu racontes ce que tu étais en train de faire, prétérit en -ing:
we were discussing, we were smoking, were drinking
forbidden to minors.(interdite aux mineurs).

to look like=ressembler, ici seulement look:
which did not look gentile (at all, pour une touche d'humour)
advanced on us with an hesitating step (adj avant le nom).

là encore tu dis ce que tu es en train de faire:
My heart was beating very hard (adj et non adverbe)
I was perspiring heavily (bon verbe, je t'ai rajouté heavily=beaucoup pour renforcer l'idée de la sudation involontaire)

pour éviter la répétion de suddenly, je te propose:
Unexpectedly my friends disappeared that made me scream (cri perçant de peur versus shout cri une voix forte qui porte)

ok pour alone and defenseless

I took refuge meadows ?? meadows=prairie, (ce n'est pas que des cigares que tu fumais alors!)
ourson en peluche= cuddly teddy bear
auprès= beside

si tu voulais dire: tu t'es réfugié auprès de ton ours en peluche c'est: I took refuge beside my cuddly teddy bear.

je mettrais 3 points de suspension après caught me and...(mais quel suspens!)

dernière phrase mal formulée:
this was the one nightmare I ever made.

Voilà, dans l'ensemble, bon texte, peu de fautes d'orthographe et une erreur continue de conjugaison.

Bravo!
Anonyme
Posté le 25 févr. 2010
Merci beaucoup cenedra pour ton aide . Donc au final voila le resultat y'aurais t'il encore des erreurs?

I shall never forget the night of January 18th, 1990: I remember it as if it was yesterday:I, Mehdi, I was then exactly 2 years 3 months and 4 days old; this night, around 11 pm, it was dark and it was raining cats and dogs. I was in the lounge with some friends we were discussing business, we were smoking cigars of Italy and drinking drinks forbidden to minors.

Suddenly, the front door opened and we perceived two big shadows that did not look at all gentile and advanced on us with an hesitating step as if they were tired; my heart was beating very hard, I was perpiring suddenly, I shouted and my friends had suddenly disappeared; I was terrified at the thought of being alone and defenseless but I took refuge beside my cuddly teddy bear.

At 11:35 pm both shadows caught me and... In fact this was the nightmare's first which I ever made.
Anonyme
Posté le 26 févr. 2010
ok.
2 choses:
-did not look gentile at all (se place après l'adj)
-dernière phrase: In fact, this was the one nightmare I ever made.
ta phrase ne se dit pas...

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