Anglais : Correction d'un texte

Sujet du devoir

Bonjour, suite à un texte écrit lors d'une évaluation, je dois corriger ce texte en améliorant les consignes suivantes :

- Employ a rich vocabulary

- Use the imperative / should/shouldn't

- My essay is well organized / I developped my ideas

Voici le texte que j'ai écrit, à corriger :

The extract of Desperate Housewives deals with a woman called Gabrielle Solis. This woman is very lonely, because her husband is hardworking and he often leaves the house for work. She is trying to make friends, for example by organizing a game of poker at her home. The problem is that she is too selfish ans talks about herself a lot. The other woman are not talkative. In my opinion, Gabrielle is not a bad person. She is very lonely and bored, and she doesn't have friends. She tries to make friends, but she doesn't know how to do it. And the other women are, to my mind, more pretensious because she is reject Gabrielle. But Gabrielle despises the women, it's difficult to defend Gabrielle or the other women !

If I had to give advice to newcomers, I would advise show them not ot be late, not to eat cewing-gum in class, respect their teachers, and to try to work.

Où j'en suis dans mon devoir

Pourriez-vous m'aider à m'organiser ? Par où commencer ?

Merci beaucoup...