Anglais DM question

Sujet du devoir

Bonjour j'ai un DM à rendre pour jeudi en anglais, serait-il donc possible que vous me disiez les grosses fautes que je dois corriger svp ? Il s'agit d'une question à la quelle je dois répondre:
What sacrifices would you be ready to make in order to become successful ?
In order to be successful in life, we have to pay the price so don't being afraid of failures and mistakes. Each person can have his own opinion about what is to be successful, every person has his own objective. According to me, be successful is a life where everything would be satisfactory, especially in work. To become successful, I would sacrifice time. I would be willing to make effort and I know, to be truly successful, I have to be focused on my work. If I would have to leave my natal country, my family and my friends, to live maybe in another country during a certain period, I would be ready to make this sacrifice, because this would be for my futur but I will never leave it my family without news during this period of my life. And perhaps I'm ready to sacrifice my private life or I can must be discreet to become successful. I am also willing to do more study and learn new languages to really do what I want. Moreover, I can change my way of life following of the success that I want to get. To become successful, for example, I'm ready to sacrifice all my materials goods. I think I can live without, it's just an entertainment and it's better to take time to work hard. I'm ready to seize any opportunity, what it costs, the important it's the final result. So I ready to make a certain number of sacrifices but not forget my family, I'm just ready to see less them but not for a long time.

Où j'en suis dans mon devoir

Tout est dans mon sujet, c'est juste pour le plus gros de la correction, merci beaucoup d'avance :)